Indulge me...I'm venting :-/

Allow me to indulge...I'm sat here at my desk listening to a thunderstorm on CD...how that for pathetic? LOL! There's not a storm in sight tho we've had enough rain to make me contemplate trading in my Jaguar for a canoe.

When you're stuck someplace, how do you deal with it? I'm stuck living in this shithole I live in and at the moment, cannot do much about it. It is a very heavily industrialised area that I live in. Surrounded by factories-it's not a proper neighbourhood. I've made some pretty stupid decisions in my life but moving down here has to be the biggest one of all time. WHAT was I thinking? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact we moved in here and three days later, my mom had her stroke and I lost her a year after that. This is not how it was supposed to be. This is also "the wrong side of the tracks"...I grew up in an upper middle class family/neighbourhood....that is not at all what this area is even remotely about.

I cannot leave this house now for several reasons. My grandfather owns this house-I'm next in line for it which I'm not looking forward to. It's a shithole. But that's beside the point. He will sell this house and he's hell bent on handing out riches to family members that wouldn't know him if they tripped over him in the street. This was a major hot point for my grandmother when she was alive-he's all too anxious to hand out money to anybody and my grandmother would go ballistic. I'll be goddamned if he's going to hand out my inheritance to assholes who don't know who he is. Family or not.


Deal was I'd keep up he property and he wouldn't charge me/us rent. Well, I've not kept up the property-I have been so down about this area that I don't give a toss what anything looks like. I've let the yard grow like a jungle as I was treated to a wild pet of sorts. I had a Coyote in the yard which both delighted and saddened me. I've not seen him in almost a month and a half so apparently, even the Coyote has had the good sense to bugger off-I wish I could. I refused to call authorities in because they would have shot it and I will NOT tolerate that. My only concern was the Coyote was safe. I hope he is. He was beautiful...so fluffy looking-I only wish I could have gone out to sit with him. Perhaps if he stayed I may have been able to. There was a time I was able to get squirrels and crows to eat from my hand. Why not sit with a Coyote.

This also happened to coincide with my return to the Craft....I wondered if it was an omen of some sort...maybe my totem animal. I've begun to study the old religion in good faith now. I got tired of being a dabbler, a "winter Witch". I have had a very, very strong calling of late so I decided now is the time. Maybe it's my age, I dunno but it feels right, more-so than ever before. I have some very definite plans-one of which is I want my death to be different. I really wanted a High Priestess to preside over my mom's death but I've not been involved in a coven in over 10 years so how would I do that?I kept it as low key as I could, I had a deacon (sorry, I have no idea what a deacon is) come to the funeral home and I left the room while he did his thing. It is nothing at all in tune with my beliefs of ideas. Would have been great fun to see the reaction if I could have sent my mom off like I wanted to and had a Witch there. I've always been the black sheep of the family anyway. But I want none of that for my time when it comes. I most definitely want a High Priestess to send me off to the Summerlands when it is my time.

Anyway, I guess in short I just needed to vent. I'm not having a very good time here and I feel it's not doing my health any good. I've always been a Type-A personality but my stress level since moving here has been astronomical. I do quite a bit of meditating to help calm me, my religion and the Goddess gives me a great amount of solace as well. Just kinda sucks that any relaxing realm I enter is via visualisation...I no longer have a yard to chill out. My dad made a sanctuary in the yard when I was living home...water fountain, large gargoyle (I swear that Gargoyle was alive...I saw it move several times)-landscape lighting. Not only was it a space to calm the nerves, it was wonderful to to go out at night and worship the goddess...often being joined by passing skunks. I never knew how much I'd miss that. Took so much for granted.